What a word, it has so many implications for me. Mostly recently it is something that I feel I have lacked when it comes to the illness I've been dealing with. I don't even really know that I can call it illness now that I am over the anemia and the worst of it all, but perhaps rather the ill health I am trying to overcome. It has been such a struggle, and to look at me you would not guess that I am having health issues. Thus the lack of validation. We are such a visual, appearances based society that we often don't take the time to look further than the surface. I'm sure on the surface I look 'fine', but it is not the surface I am having trouble with (well, there is the issue of the weight I've gained and can't lose as a side effect of the health issues). It is the fact that I just don't have the energy to do much. I am home now, on a full time basis for a while. My first day off of work I guess folding laundry and filling out recommendation forms (for my dance students) was overdoing it and so I paid for it for two days by not being able to do much more than lay around. I KNOW every one gets tired, but it is NOT THE SAME THING!!!! I have to remind myself that often when I am feeling guilty for not getting more done.
But I have received my validation at least from one quarter. I have had to file for unemployment and in doing so, they require that you accept any job, part time or full time. I cringe at the thought of working a full time job, I panic, I want to cry at the thought of having to work an 8 hour day....I just can't do it. So I asked my doctor if he would be willing to sign a release for me stating that I was not able to work more than a part time job and he agreed! VALIDATION!!! I am so very thankful, appreciative and validated.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saying Goodbye
I got laid off the other day, it was really an odd feeling. Though I am a bit concerned about how we are going to pay the bills, that is really the least of what I've been processing since the time my boss sat down with me and told me she had to let me go.
I have actually been praying for God to release me from that job. I LOVED the people I worked with, greatly enjoyed the part about helping people and chatting with the patients, but I no longer believed in what we were offering. The business has gone through several doctors and though I liked the current one as a person, I just don't have a lot of faith in his abilities. Also, the business was depleting (thus the reason for my layoff) and so I had a lot of time where I had to find things to do but I was limited in what I was allowed to do, so it was sometimes a challenge....I like to be busy.
Another reason I have prayed to be released is because in my heart, I just want to be home. Because of illness I have a limited amount of energy, and I was always conserving/using that energy for my job. It left little for taking care of my home and family. I have yearned to be home and be able to focus on my family rather than my work. I want to be able to clean my house, cook meals, help my daughter with her school etc with my full attention and energy. Not struggle by with the minimum with what little energy I have left.
But the odd feeling about being laid off comes from a completely different source than any of this. It comes from the idea of knowing that this place I have been a part of for the past 13 years will no longer be a part of my life. I have only worked there for 3 years, but had started as a patient there a long time ago. I have learned, healed, grown, and worked in this environment for so long that it has really become a part of me. And so, though I saw it coming, when I was told I no longer had a job it was such an unusual feeling knowing that I was saying goodbye to that part of my life. Something, someplace, some one that has been at least somewhere in my conscious thought for a large part of my life. I realized a long time ago that we go through seasons in our lives, that we have people in our lives for a season of time. So I am prepared in some way for this season to be over, but I think it will take a while for me to get used to the idea and to stop missing this part of my life.
I have actually been praying for God to release me from that job. I LOVED the people I worked with, greatly enjoyed the part about helping people and chatting with the patients, but I no longer believed in what we were offering. The business has gone through several doctors and though I liked the current one as a person, I just don't have a lot of faith in his abilities. Also, the business was depleting (thus the reason for my layoff) and so I had a lot of time where I had to find things to do but I was limited in what I was allowed to do, so it was sometimes a challenge....I like to be busy.
Another reason I have prayed to be released is because in my heart, I just want to be home. Because of illness I have a limited amount of energy, and I was always conserving/using that energy for my job. It left little for taking care of my home and family. I have yearned to be home and be able to focus on my family rather than my work. I want to be able to clean my house, cook meals, help my daughter with her school etc with my full attention and energy. Not struggle by with the minimum with what little energy I have left.
But the odd feeling about being laid off comes from a completely different source than any of this. It comes from the idea of knowing that this place I have been a part of for the past 13 years will no longer be a part of my life. I have only worked there for 3 years, but had started as a patient there a long time ago. I have learned, healed, grown, and worked in this environment for so long that it has really become a part of me. And so, though I saw it coming, when I was told I no longer had a job it was such an unusual feeling knowing that I was saying goodbye to that part of my life. Something, someplace, some one that has been at least somewhere in my conscious thought for a large part of my life. I realized a long time ago that we go through seasons in our lives, that we have people in our lives for a season of time. So I am prepared in some way for this season to be over, but I think it will take a while for me to get used to the idea and to stop missing this part of my life.
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